Living with depression

I'm greeted with this voice in the morning

The same voice talking when darkness hits,

a strategic blitz disrupting my mindstate

when dark waves insist

on crushing through my mind's gate

these thoughts suffocate my headspace

so I struggle to locate my happy place

my emotional state is just an afterthought

These thoughts distort my peaceful mentality

Paving the way for anxiety

So I start thinking overly

questioning my fragile stability

Simple tasks now become a challenge to me

Getting out of bed is a near impossibility

The plausible reality I'm isolating socially

hiding my insecurities from friends and family

You see,

my thoughts rain down with hostility

They drown out a stress-free mind

I have this tension inside

I sigh cause I can't see the light

The wiring of my brain is so uptight

I try to fight it

But I can't find the fight, so I accept and flight

I'm a riding passenger in the seat of my mind

Behind enemy lines, negative thoughts start firing

surviving in the dark trench of my subconscious

without caution, they launch an enormous attack

No time to react, I don't back my stability

This artillery has me retreating quickly

I start fatiguing as the colour between my cheeks fade

I have no say in this mental raid

I'm pleading with the pain to just go away

Or at least not stay for more than a few days

But that's just it,

I'm a misfit with no remote control

To commit goals and aspirations

I'll never find love, happiness, admiration

Without hesitation my body tenses with anger and frustration

A perfect presentation of my emotional complications

Because depression is so much more than just mental

Yes, thoughts are a central theme,

But fundamental no,

The physical implications are equally known

Frozen in space

I lose myself, plenty

My palms are sweaty knees weak arms are heavy

The four walls close in already

Unsteady, I'm trapped in my bed

An invisible force crushes hard on my chest

Constricting my lungs with each gasping breath,

Eyes bloodshed, I try and find peace

But the peace I seek is not the peace I need

screaming for help but it seems no one can hear

vocalising my thoughts is my biggest fear

I've been suffering in silence since my school years

when I open my front door

I pick myself up and ignore the ongoing war in head

Even if I'm dead inside I'm prepared to face life

putting all this commotion aside

It's hard I can't lie

Living in a mask is why I'm so tired all the time

But society tells me it's unmanly to cry

That vulnerability is a crime

so I suffer in silence a sign of the times

disguising my emotions with an Oscar-worthy showcase

It's an act, no laughing emoji smiley face

I'm trapped in part I no longer play

It's hard to adapt when I feel so un-worthy

How can you love me if I don't love me

Trust me,

Deep down I'm about to break down,

I'm breathing loud exposed now

Reaching out cause I have so much to talk about

The truth is I beat myself up for feeling this way

Deep down I know it's ok

It just saddens me that I can't speak or say the things I want to say

I'm locked in a dark place and I don't want to escape

And this scares me

Unfairly dictating my life

barely living

And no, depression is not forgiven

It's so hard my emotional scars

continue spinning in my mind

just cause my pain isn't visible

and the damage appears minimal

doesn't mean it's any less physical

And that's the difficulty of this discussion

cause I don't even understand the feelings rushing my head

but I'm aware I need to start being kinder to myself

breath when my thoughts overwhelm

start applauding my resilience within

continue challenging my thoughts

tackling my trauma

searching for that transcendent state Nirvana

I am and I will be ok

cause I know if I actively change my mentality

No matter how hard it's going to be

I will break free from depressions hold

The more I write the more I realise

my life isn't defined by depressions orders

each step is one moving forward

I take my pride in the small victories, flawless

And yes maybe I'm not where I want to be

But that's ok

as each day

I grow and understand, how mentally strong I am

how brave I can be

I can see the light even when the darkness is calling

And this is the voice I'm greeted with in the morning