When they leave

I wake on the wrong side of the bed,

questioning my stability, thoughts in my head

clenching my chest, I search for answers that never present

all that is left

a wardrobe of a mess

left untouched

stressed silky dresses unloved,

It's enough to take my strength and sanity

As I desperately search my brain for a memory

But this travesty has made my life a painstaking melody,

A minor scaled piece fuelling my anxiety

naturally, I project my anger on society,

unrightfully hurting those who just show kindness

it's unjust undignified, unrighteous

despite this, these are my coping devices

No joke

This grieving evokes

panic and derange

as I keep hearing mum calling out my name

a tamed mimic in the back of my brain,

thumping the foundations of my inner core

Loring me toward a lifetime of pain

You'll find

I'm imprisoned in my mind

but I can't escape

steel bars keep my thoughts at bay

Locked away I'm far from free

Mind-numbing meds Are a short release

It's peak

lights off I'm crying for a week

The louder I scream the smaller I seem

Drowning in sweat, struggling to breath

I wheeze as lives rope tightens, I'm Suffocating,

and frightened, the uneasy pain only heightens

You see

there's this

Grey cloud that follows me,

Unlike any Grey cloud before

This Raw wind of numbness doesn't just knock at the door.

it knocks it down

With no account

for the amount of torture I've had endure

This Grey Cloud isn't just passing by

it's a toxic lullaby present from morning to night

Disguised as a voice of guidance with my best interest in mind

But you'll find

it's a plague of darkness that you can't run or hide from

But mum always knew the right thing to say

she just had this way,

No matter what time of day

Or how fast her cancer spread

She made sure that the thoughts in my head

were encouraging, instead

of the grimacing grief that has been left.

Two ticks message received but not read

My kids will never feel her touch

know her love hold her hand

But that's life

a life that will never truly feel complete

a defeated life that leaves me petrified,

She is not by my side

To help guide me, as I pass through life,

Changing events forcing feelings to resurface

I'm nervous but on the surface, these events will seem worthless

Like my wedding service

she won't be there,

I'll stare longingly at her empty chair,

shed a tear

as I'll feel that same pain that she carried.

My youthful innocence stays buried

6 ft all alone under the gravel and stone,

hating the passing of each milestone

I can't run I can only condone

This lifestyle of being alone.

while

I'm scared of what my future may hold,

I wish I could put my life on hold and carefully,

prepare properly for my life to unfold without her here

But that luxury isn't a possibility,

I'm searching for normality,

to stop me hurting and remind me of happiness,

and yet I'm met with darkness

I can't even detect the faintest smile,

It's been a while,

Since I've given myself fresh air

it's just I can't bear these questions and my vulnerability,

although I've been feeling particularly

needy

but I'm refusing to ask for help

so I'm losing myself

My health

and forgetting my life plan.

I'm bleeding I'm hurting trying to testify why

I can't ask mum for advice

but wait, it connects,

that isn't entirely correct

With her last few breaths, she left a departing gift

one that can be seen ever so clearly

I sat beside her,

Tears strolling down my face,

Heavy,

Nowhere to escape,

I was left staring death in the face

Then the most remarkable thing occurred,

Absurd

In all her tiredness and pain

She gathered what strength remained

grabbed my hand and Squeezed.

The pain in my chest eased

We didn't need to speak

She was coating me in protection

for as long as I need.

So with pride Head held high

Mums blue eyeshine brightly in the sky

Her timeless lessons speak to me

She battled cancer fiercely

Each time she got knocked down, kicked to the ground

She rose proudly ready to fight every second minute and hourly

Hopeful when life cowardly threw her under the bus

time and time again

She would never give in, and let cancer win

This act of defiance speaks to me

Grasping at lives collar to keep living uneasily

she knew life is a gift

So she lived each day with a smile on her face

grace in her walk no time to waste

Because life is unforgiven

So it's my god-given duty to start living

I mean living

Appreciate the beauties of life, things, otherwise hidden

like the tuneful tone when birds sing

or the wonders winter walks in the park bring

Cause life is too short

and I see that now